The fellow said, “To prove my love for my fiancée, I climbed the highest mountain, swam the deepest river, crossed the broadest desert and sailed around the world. She married someone else because I was never at home.”
In addition to recognizing his imprudence, he should be asking himself if he really understands the meaning and nature of the love he was trying to prove. Let’s think about it.
Love is the most powerful and fulfilling of realities. Accordingly, in the Old Testament we are reminded that “Deep waters cannot quench love, nor can floods sweep it away. Were one to offer all he owns to purchase love, he would be roundly mocked” (Sg 8:7). And in the New Testament, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear … ” (1 Jn 4:18a).
However, love is also the most misunderstood, misused, abused and maligned of realities. For example, D. L. Steward tells of the startled reaction of a father when his twelve-year-old son said to him, “I love you.”
“For several long seconds all I could do was stand there and stare down at him, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Finally, I asked, ‘What do you want?’
“He laughed and started to run from the room. But I called him back. ‘Hey, what was that all about?’ I demanded.
“‘Nothing,’ he said, grinning. ‘My health teacher said we should tell our parents that we love them and see what they say. It’s sort of an experiment.’
“The next day I called his teacher to find out more about this ‘Experiment.’ And, to be truthful, to find out how the other parents had reacted.
“‘Basically, most of the fathers had the same reaction you did,’ my son’s teacher said. ‘When I first suggested we try this, I asked the kids what they thought their parents would say. They all laughed. A couple of them figured their folks would have heart attacks.’”
In justification of his experiment the health teacher said, “The point is, knowing you are loved is an important part of health. It’s something all human beings require. What I’m trying to tell the kids is that it’s too bad we don’t express that love.”
Here are a few examples of why so many feel uneasy and even embarrassed about the use of the word love. Years ago on “60 Minutes” when a member of a very wealthy family was asked about expressing affection for other members of the family, she replied, “I think there is something rather vulgar about saying ‘I love you.’”
A prime-time TV show entitled “Love for Sale” was about prostitution.
An infamous divorced athlete publicly stated, “When it comes to making love, I want a whore for a wife.”
A newspaper account of a homicide reported that “She was killed by her lover.”
Several years ago in Copperas Cove, Texas, a fifteen-year-old student won an art contest with the entry, “Love for sale.”
However, ballads generally tell of the enduring quality of love with sentiments as, “I’ll be yours until the sun doesn’t shine, until the winds don’t blow and every ocean is dry. I’ll still be loving you for a lifetime, my love. I’ll still be loving you.”
And although virtually all people who marry express similar sentiments in courtship, today fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, even though perhaps all of those involved were of good will.
On one occasion I had the following exchange with the young man of a couple wanting to get married. He began, “Hey, Father, we want to marry.”
And so I asked the first question I routinely ask any couple wanting to marry who approaches me. “How is your prayer life; your relationship with God?”
“Father, we are not here for a sermon. We want to get married because we love one another.”
“Do you really love one another?”
“Father, we wouldn’t be getting married if we didn’t love one another!”
“What is your definition of love?”
“Come on, Father, haven’t you ever been in love? You can’t define love; you just feel it, Father; you just feel it! Don’t you know that?”
“Let’s put aside the feeling for the fact. About 2000 years ago the only valid definition of love was not only spoken but was also recorded in St. John’s first letter: ’… God is love’ (1 Jn 4:8b). And the Holy Spirit through St. John further states, ‘Beloved, let us love one another, because love is of God; everyone who loves is begotten by God and knows God …. We love because he first loved us’ (1 Jn 4:7,19).
“What does that mean as far as your relationship to one another is concerned?”
To his credit he replied, “Well, if God is love and love is of God, I guess we are only able to love one another to the extent we are open to God’s love for us.”
“Right on!” Jesus says it this way: “As I have loved you, so you also should love one another… because without me you can do nothing” (Jn 13:34b; 15:5b).
Today “love” is commonly misused for “like,” which often results in lustful relationships which are unfortunately referred to as loving relationships. Therefore, let us consider the distinction between liking and loving.
Liking is integral to our human nature. However, since we have a fallen human nature, liking is inclined to be self centered, manipulative and selfish; tends to be asking, “What’s in it for me? What pleasure can I derive from this object, circumstance or relationship.” For example, a guy can be telling a girl how much he loves her while only liking her and being an obstacle to both of them becoming more whole, holy, happy, human, free, mature, in control, lovers, Christ-like, who they are called to be.
St. Paul reminds us to “Avoid immorality…. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been purchased at a price. Therefore glorify God in your body” (1 Cor 6:18a,19,20).
The late Cardinal Basil Hume of London said, “Genital sex outside of marriage has always been sinful; it is rapidly becoming suicidal.” Again, as reported by the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life, “There are 19,000,000 new cases of sexually transmitted disease each year in the U.S.” And as reported in the “Evansville Courier,” “High school students are the age group most likely to contract the HIV virus which causes AIDS.”
A teenage girl wrote to “Dear Abby,” ”My boyfriend said to me, ‘If you loved me, you would have sex with me before marriage.’ And I said to him, ‘If you loved me, you would not entertain the idea.’”
Abby responded, “Right on, Honey!”
With liking, initially there is pleasurable feeling. But since liking is applicable to what is strictly of a limited nature such as good looks, car, clothes and money, one soon becomes bored. For example, in the last year of his earthly life during his only TV appearance, the billionaire J. Paul Getty expressed his disillusionment as follows: “I envy people who are happy. I am sad about the failure of my five marriages. The only times in life I have enjoyed did not cost me a single penny.”
Several years ago Mr. America married Miss Universe! A perfect marriage? It only lasted six months because, perhaps through no fault of their own, they were primarily likers and not lovers.
But since God is love and the Source of all love, there is no limit to the degree we can become lovers and be instrumental in helping others to become the lovers they are called to be. The song says it well: “I love you more today than I loved you yesterday, but not as much as I will love you tomorrow.”
The word love is most properly and effectively used when applied to love of God and neighbor–fulfilling the Two Great Commandments. Used in other ways compromises its effectiveness–its power to energize and transform. To illustrate, several years ago a magazine ad pictured an exuberant teen-age girl exclaiming that “She’s totally in love with Mike Valenti, the new guy at school. She’s totally in love with House of pizza, the new hangout. And she’s totally in love with Classic Caesar, the new salad dressing from Kraft.” If she had to chose, would it be Mike or Classic Caesar?
The frustrated wife complained to her husband, “Football, football! Sometimes I think you love football more than you love me!”
“Oh, I don’t know about that , but I still love you more than I love basketball.”
In the TV commercial, the lady boasted, “I don’t just like my car, I love my car!”
Contrary to liking, there is not necessarily pleasurable feeling with loving. If Jesus had been dominated by his feelings, we would not be redeemed. And certainly he did not like us for having crucified him by our sins. However, too many couples are being faked out by those “Wow! Wow!” feelings in courtship, failing to realize those pleasurable feelings do not prove their love for one another; rather, they serve to attract a man and woman to a God-centered relationship to assume the serious responsibility of enabling one another as well as others to become lovers.
A love relationship is self-sacrificing, non-manipulative and not overly possessive; it gives one another the freedom to exercise an informed God-oriented conscience increasingly to realize the Fruits of the Holy Spirit–”…love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control” (Gal 5:22,23a)– in their lives. That is, a love-relationship is living the Two Great Commandments, the purpose for which we are being created. Ann Landers expressed it this way: “Infatuation [simply liking] might lead you to do things you’ll regret later, but love never will. Love is an upper. It makes you look up. It makes you think up. It makes you a better person than you were before.”
Liking is natural, but love must be in control if we are to be true to our calling to enter the kingdom of heaven along the way, and finally graduate to the fullness of life where every tear will be wiped away.
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