CONGREGATION OF HOLY CROSS
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Let us consider one of the most formidable , prevalent and most misunderstood obstacles to good health, freedom and happiness. Of most importance, we will consider the solution, which is much easier than most people realize.
Unfortunately, a dominant fallacy regarding forgiveness is the belief that it may often take years to forgive, or that there are occasions when it may be impossible to forgive. If indeed it is this challenging to forgive, why did Jesus tell Peter we are not only to forgive our neighbor seven times, but “I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times” (Mt 18:22)? And why did Jesus teach us the prayer we should in good conscience daily be able to pray; the prayer that says our disposition to receive God’s forgiveness depends on our having forgiven anyone who has offended us? Read on to relish the freeing truth.
“There is so much good in the worst of us, and so much bad in the best of us; it’s hardly fit for any of us to talk about the rest of us.” Think. Is there anyone you have not forgiven? Maybe it’s yourself. Perhaps it is someone who mistreated you many years ago, but you have buried the painful memory and your failure to forgive in your subconscious mind; and there it continues to be a festering wound causing you psychosomatic problems; depriving you of greater freedom and happiness.
If a person asks why he or she should forgive, perhaps the best answer results from answering another question: How much do you love yourself? The doctrine of forgiveness is said to be the most effective of therapies. One meaning of forgiveness in the Old Testament is to have a weight lifted. The late Father Leo Trese wrote in one of his syndicated columns: “There is nothing so corrosive to happiness as the nursing of ill will toward another. There is something suicidal about hatred. The hater destroys his own happiness. It is he who suffers rather than the person he hates. If we find in ourselves any degree of hatred toward another, we are fools not to spit out the poison.”
Terry Anderson was the longest held American hostage in the Iran contra crisis. Having credited his survival to the strength of his Roman Catholic faith, he said, “I have no room for hatred, no time for it. My hating them is not going to hurt them an ounce. It’s only going to hurt me, and I’m not going to do that.”
The American Medical Association maintains that 90% of sickness is psychosomatic–mind and emotions adversely affecting the body. The late Dr. Norman Vincent Peale wrote: “A New York physician says 70% of his patients reveal resentment in their case histories. Says the physician, ‘Ill will and grudges help make people sick. Forgiveness will do more toward getting them well than many pills.’ Another physician tells of a patient who died of ‘grudgitis’–a long-held hatred of another person. So it is healthy to forgive, to say nothing about it –being the right way to live.”
After the end of World War II, the late Corrie ten Boom had a home in Holland for the victims of Nazi brutality. She said, “Those who were able to forgive their former enemies were able to return to the outside world and rebuild their lives, no matter what the physical scars. Those who nursed their bitterness remained invalids. It was as simple and as horrible as that.”
“Should a man nourish anger against his fellows and expect healing from the Lord? Should a man refuse mercy to his fellows, yet seek pardon for his own sins? … The vengeful will suffer the Lord’s vengeance, for he remembers their sins in detail. Forgive your neighbor’s injustice; then when you pray your own sins will be forgiven”(Sir 28:3,4,1,2).
“So speak and so act as people who will be judged by the law of freedom. For the judgment is merciless to one who has not shown mercy; mercy triumphs over judgment”(James 2:12,13).
And speaking of judgment, since being judgmental is a dominant obstacle to forgiveness, let us consider some compelling reasons for refraining from judging others. Jesus says, “Be merciful, just as [also] your Father is merciful. Stop judging and you will not be judged. Stop condemning and. you will not be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven…. But to you who hear I say, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you”(Lk 6:36,37,27,28).
And what is the reasoning for God telling us not to judge the moral guilt of others? Every Sunday an elderly couple sitting in the front pew held hands during Mass. The pastor being much impressed, one Sunday upon greeting the couple said, “I am so impressed by the way you express your love for one another by holding hands during Mass.”
Immediately the couple laughed as the wife said, “Father, love has nothing to do with it. My husband cracks his knuckles, and this is the only way I can get him to stop.”
And so the adage, “You can’t judge the book by the cover.” And with even greater reason, we can’t surely judge moral guilt by what a person says or does; only God knows the content. “But the Lord said to Samuel: ‘…Not as man sees does God see, because man sees the appearance, but the Lord looks into the heart’” (1 Sam 16:7).
Regarding the hidden problems, fears and hardships people experience, the late renowned Dr. Karl Menniger said, “It is difficult for a free fish to know what a hooked fish is going through.’ And the late writer Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote, “If we knew the secret histories of our personal enemies, we would find therein enough sorrow and suffering to disarm us of all hostility.”
None of us has it all together. Because of our fallen human nature, we entered this world as cripples; spiritually, psychologically, emotionally, intellectually and physically we are all handicapped. And, for example, there is a far greater number of people outside of our mental institutions who are just as mentally ill as the people within. However, we often find it difficult to attribute irrational behavior to mental illness unless the person responsible is in a mental institution.
In my having taken an abnormal psychological course in the seminary, about the first thing the prof said the first day was, “Each person in this room is a potential candidate for every abnormality we are going to consider.”
One day a businessman and a psychologist stepped into the elevator at the same time. The businessman got off at the 14th floor and the psychologist at the 17th. But just before the businessman got off at the 14th, he cursed and spit on the psychologist. Calmly the psychologist took out his handkerchief and wiped off the spittle as if nothing had happened. In utter astonishment the elevator operator exclaimed to the psychologist, “How could you let this guy do this to you!?” The psychologist replied, “Fellow, that is his problem.”
The application should be evident: Anytime someone treats you in an irrational, unreasonable, uncouth, boorish, hateful, immature manner, you don’t have the problem; the other person does. Accordingly, without being judgmental, feel sorry for the offender. And as Jesus says, pray for the person; exercise your baptismal priesthood to help the person to become who he or she is called to be. As St. Paul says, “Do not be conquered by evil but conquer evil with good” (Rm 12:21).
And concerning a family member or other relative, friend or person of whom we may be so critical, here are a few possible reasons why he or she may appear to say or do everything that is objectively wrong–to be a born loser: The person may have been traumatized even within the mother’s womb; was born with a fallen human nature; has been sexually and otherwise physically abused—persons I have so frequently encountered in my prison ministry; suffers from misuse of authority in the home, at school, work or by civil servants; suffers brain damage due to malnutrition, an accident, or even as a result of injury from difficult delivery at birth; received little or no religious education; is the product of a broken home; cannot distinguish between freedom and license; blindly attempts to fulfill the desire for total satisfaction through creatures; is disillusioned by the bad example of those who fail to practice the good they preach.
Paradoxically, there is often more justice and reasonable consideration afforded in our civil court system than among Christians. For example, over television millions of people witnessed John W. Hinckley, Jr., attempt to assassinate former President Reagan. But with smoking gun in hand and bleeding bodies on the pavement, he was considered to be innocent until proven guilty. Why? Because in our application of civil law, it is rightly assumed that there may be extenuating circumstances which may deem an offender less culpable regarding the crime committed. Accordingly, Hinckley was found to be not guilty because of serious psychological problems. Subsequently, he was not sentenced to prison but confined to a mental institution, hopefully for rehabilitation.
On the contrary, sometimes among us Christians, someone can say the wrong thing and/or do something objectively seriously wrong, and we immediately judge the person to be fully culpable and see no reason to let the person explain. Without a trial, we condemn, mentally lock the person up and throw away the key.
Shortly before the young Jewish girl Anne Frank departed this world from the Nazi concentration camp to enter the fullness of life, she wrote in her diary: “In spite of everything, I still believe people are good at heart.”
When a Nazi concentration camp was liberated, this prayer by a Jew was found on a scrap of paper: “Peace be to men of bad will, and an end to all revenge and to all words of pain and punishment. So many have borne witness with their blood! 0 God, do not put their suffering upon the scales of justice, lest it be counted to the hangman; lest he be brought to answer for his atrocities. But to all hangmen and informers, to all traitors and evil ones, do grant the benefit of the courage and fortitude shown by those others who were their victims. May this be the ransom that restores justice. And all that is good, let it be counted; and all that is evil, let it be wiped out. May peace come once more upon this earth; peace to people of good will; and may it descend upon the others also.”
It is not difficult to imagine Jesus having spoken similar words. Having done nothing deserving punishment, much less death on the cross, as he looked down on those who crucified him, he said, “Father, forgive them, they know not what they do”(Lk 23:34a). And so at this moment, Jesus is saying to each of us, “This is my commandment: love one another as I love you”(Jn 15:12). And as Paul says, “No foul language should come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for needed edification, that it may impart grace to those who hear …. All bitterness, fury, anger, shouting, and reviling must be removed from you, along with all malice. And be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another as God has forgiven you in Christ”(Eph 4:29,31,32).
“But,” you may exclaim, “how to forgive!? If you only knew what was done to me!” Here is a hint. “To fail is human, to forgive is divine.” A fourteen-year-old Muslim boy became a Christian. Consequently, he was ostracized by his family and former friends. And on one occasion the young Christian was being taunted by a former companion: “You sap. You stupid person. What has this Christianity done for you for which you now suffer so much?”
“My Christianity,” he replied, “my Christ enables me to forgive.”
So at this moment, if you find it difficult or even impossible to forgive, Jesus is saying to you, “Bring your burden to me, and I will strengthen you; I will give you my ability to forgive” (cf. Mt 11:28).
At this juncture let us consider an especially relevant truth I believe most people in our “be guided and ruled by your feelings” society fail to realize. To have forgiven we do not have to like or feel good toward the one who has hurt us. Certainly Jesus did not like or feel good toward those who crucified him. One might have the attitude, “If he is going to be there I am not going; I never want to see or speak to him again!” and still have forgiven.
The late Corrie ten Boom who witnessed her sister being beaten to death in the concentration camp said, “Forgiveness is not a feeling or an emotion; it is an act of the will. And a person can make the act of the will regardless of the temperature of the heart.” As Jesus says, “…bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you”(Lk 6:28).
Therefore, because the essence of love and forgiveness is in the act of the will and not dependent upon the feelings, when we have made the act of the will to pray for the offender, we have proof we have forgiven, notwithstanding feelings to the contrary.
Again, anyone who says it may take years to forgive an offender contradicts Jesus having taught us the Lord’s Prayer, that we in good conscience should be able to pray daily–being forgiven as we forgive those who have offended us. As Jesus emphasizes, “When you stand to pray, forgive anyone against whom you have a grievance, so that your heavenly Father may in turn forgive you your transgressions”(Mk 11:25). In other words, love yourself.
But how are we able to make the act of the will to pray for the offender when hateful feelings are so overwhelming? The answer of the young Muslim boy converted to Christianity –to Christ–is just as applicable to all of us. And so Jesus continues to say, “Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest …. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light”(Mt 11:28,30); “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides”(Mt 6:33); “…because without me you can do nothing”(Jn 15:5b).
Therefore, the successful way to achieve the victory is as follows: By living what I refer to as the FLP, the Faith-Love Principle, we are always able to forgive: As a little child at the very first moment of encountering any danger immediately retreats to a loving parent, so must you in your mind immediately retreat to Jesus at the very first moment of the temptation to hate and to be unforgiving. That is, at that very first moment mentally, not on your lips, say, “No, in the name of Jesus” to the temptation to hate and to be unforgiving; then immediately say, “Jesus, with your strength I ask you to bless so-and-so and anyone else who has hurt me. Having made that act of the will with the strength of Jesus to pray for the offender, you have proof you have forgiven, even though your emotions may convey the opposite.
However, because “Jesus” means “Healer” as well as “Savior,” every future time you exercise the Faith-Love Principle when you are tempted to hate and be unforgiving, the emotions will begin to wane, to calm; to be in accord with the freeing truth that if someone has mistreated you and failed to respect your dignity in your having been made to the image and likeness of God, that person has the problem and needs you by your prayer to exercise your baptismal priesthood on his or her behalf. Then you will indeed realize that living the truth set you free.
But if it is especially difficult to forgive yourself for having lived such a sinful life, here are several additional helps: In James 5:16 we are told to “Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” The Sacrament of Reconciliation affords the optimum opportunity for following through.
Also, be mindful that your reason for finding it difficult to forgive yourself is limited, because you are limited. The good news we celebrate in the Mass is that every sin that will ever be committed is already potentially forgiven, and that God loves you 100% just as you are; just as he loves at this moment the most callus sinner committing the worst sin. The problem is the failure of a person to be receptive to God’s forgiveness and transforming love. Since “God is love”(1 Jn 4:8b), he only loves. “If we are unfaithful he remains faithful, for he cannot deny himself”(2 Tm 2:13). “But God. proves his love for us in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us”(Rm 5:8). And that you may come to life and be renewed, Jesus says, “. . . I came so that you may have life and have it more abundantly”(Jn 10:10b). “I am the resurrection and the life; whoever believes in me, even if he dies, will live, and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die”(Jn 11:25, 26). Stop trying to limit God by your own limitations.
Furthermore, since “God is love … We love because he first loved us” (1Jn 4:8b,19). “But now, thus says the Lord, who created you …. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are mine”(Is 43:1). It is important to hear your name and the words, “I love you.” Therefore, as you inhale, mentally hear your first name, and as you exhale hear the words “I love you”; and in faith, as Scripture says, know that God is saying that to you. Through that breathing exercise, which can be done at any time, increasingly you will realize how forgivable and lovable you are. Once you have accepted God’s forgiveness, any time you are tempted to the contrary, mentally hear your first name and the words “All is forgiven; I love you.” Then mentally respond, “Thank you, Lord, for your forgiveness and love.”
In addition, being mindful of God’s unconditional love for you, pray for yourself: “God, grant that I may always be open to what is best for me, that I may become the person you want me to be.”
Finally, how to forgive yourself and experience inner healing for having hurt others: After following through with what has just been stated, anytime you think of someone you have mistreated, pray, “God, bless that person and anyone else I have hurt, including myself.” Also, at any given opportunity speak kindly about anyone you have maligned.
Because the sight of you or the sound of your voice may greatly upset the person who has something against you, making it difficult or impossible for you to apologize, send a letter. In doing so you are able to state any possible extenuating circumstances without emotional interference. However, if you are totally at fault, in writing the letter, do not make excuses. Keep it honest, simple and brief. For example, “Dear…, I am very sorry I hurt you. I was so wrong. I want you to know I love you, and I pray that you may be healed of any sorrow I have caused you. Please pray for me to become a better person. Most sincerely,….” Even if you receive no reply, your initiative will promote inner healing for you.
However, if you do not know the location of the person you owe an apology, or if the person has left this world for good, apologize through imagination. That is, in the most appropriate manner imagine yourself apologizing to the victim; and then picture Jesus embracing both of you as you hear your name and the words, “All is forgiven; I love you.” Then mentally respond, “Thank you for your forgiveness and love.” Do this any time in the future your failure comes to mind, and you will increasingly know the healing God wills for you. To relive the mistakes of the past only causes the inner wounds to fester and prevent healing. Again, Jesus says it is necessary that we become as little children if we are going to enter the kingdom of heaven. What you have been considering is simple and not simplistic.
Only God knows our day of final departure. If we fail to forgive in time, let us not presume we will have the opportunity hereafter. “Behold, now is the acceptable time; behold, now is the day of salvation”(2 Cor 6:2b). The following prayer will confirm your assurance you have forgiven everyone, including yourself: Jesus our Savior, with your strength and your unlimited Spirit of love, compassion and forgiveness, at this moment in time, I pray for myself and anyone who has offended me in any way. Please help me and all who have offended me to be healed, and to become fully who we are called to be. Jesus, in your name, I claim the openness to accept on the part of all concerned. I praise and thank you for this. Amen.